


Ours is but to Do or Die

by HatlessHoneybee



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Mistakes, Misunderstandings, Nightmares, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Revenge, Slow Burn, Torture, tragic backstory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26771965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HatlessHoneybee/pseuds/HatlessHoneybee
Summary: Raziya (Raz) is a survivor of Hydra, living a normal life with her lover and rescuer in Norway. All is well, until tragedy strikes and sends her on a path of revenge against the one who helped train and torture her, The Winter Soldier. The man who haunts her nightmares and now, apparently, plays goody-goody with the Avengers, including the Black Widow, another Hydra escapee.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s), Original Female Character/Original Male Character, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Ours is but to Do or Die

**Author's Note:**

> I put a lot of work and effort into this. I hope you guys enjoy it. Please know that I own nothing except my own characters. Thank you.

  
_Russia, October, 1968_  
_Her back hit the ground and the air left her lungs. What little breath she had left was pushed out of her when a boot stomped down on her chest, placing impossible pressure on her little body._

_Vibrant green eyes turned up to face her attacker, or rather 'rival', as HYDRA liked to call the other girls. Her opponents red hair hung was pulled back tightly just as her own dark locks were splayed out around her. The girls to her left giggled at her predicament, the weight of another twelve-year-old girl crushing down on her sternum.._

_"If she cannot escape then kill her," The words of their Commander pushed panic through her limbs as the other girl leaned forward as if to truly crush her like a cockroach. 23 squirmed underneath the boot and managed to wrap her legs around the other girls own leg and push, bringing her body out from underneath her foot long enough for air to rush back into her lungs._

_It took only a quick kick to her opponnants knee to allowed her time to scramble farther away. 23 would not be discouraged, as she rolled onto her feet and into a fighting stance. Her opponant gave a face of complete rage._

_The girl's locked in a fight far more vicious than anyone their age should be taking place in. They punched with force and kicked with precision. Blood splattered the mat and a tooth rolled off the edge to where the other girls waited, eager to take their turns._

_It was a matter of three more movements before 23 had her arms around her opponents throat. She didn't look. She didn't think. She didn't feel. It was a moment of pure instinct that caused her to pull and snap the other girls neck, stepping back when she felt the body slump lifelessly to the floor._

_Wide green eyes looked down at the body and then at her hands. There was absolute silence. Then there was one single person applauding. Their commander._

_"Well done, twenty-three," He smirked at her and stepped forward, deigning to kneel to her height. "You gave us the first kill."_

_"I..." 23 squeezed her eyes shut. "She was-"_

_"Be proud, twenty-three. You did good," His tone was almost admonishing. "You eliminated the threat. It was her or you and you did what had to be done. Girls, there is no remorse or compassion for your enemy. No mercy. You kill or you die. HYRDA does not accept anything less and neither will I. Neither should you, for that matter. With our first kill I would like it to be known that I will expect more to come in the future. All you can do is ensure that it is not you. Remember, girls," The Commander turned to them all. "Do unto others..."_

_"Before they do unto us," The girls completed their mantra._

_"Very good. Twenty-three, you may sit. Numbers seven and sixteen, please step forward."_

**Norway, Present Day**

Even in June the chilled breeze forced her to wrap her wool sweater tighter around her body. A cat's meow could be heard. At a guess, she assumed it was Tully, the cat that skulked around the bookstore, always eager for the milk and food left out by the owner. A beautiful tabby, Raz crouched down to approach the cat, scratching under his chin and earning a purr in response.

"Raz!" She looked up to see the bookstore owner peeking out from the doorway to the store. She was an elderly woman with a kind face and gift for making fattigmann. Her hand waved at the young woman urging her closer.

"Good morning Mrs. Ingasdottir," Raz stepped forward, greeting the old woman with some familiarity.

"Is Helfden with you today?" The old woman asked, looking around the girl as if her companion might pop out from nowhere at any second.

Raz was already shaking her head. "Not today. I believe he is out flower-hunting."

"Oh, I'm surprised you're not with him."

Raz shrugged. "I wanted to, but someone has to get the groceries," She lifted up one hand holding paper bags. "What did you need him for?"

"Well I suppose I'll just give it to you then," The woman stepped inside her shop for a split second and then was back in, a magazine in her hand. "The newest travel magazine came in. I figured I'd give him a copy for free, since he is in it."

"Really?" Raz squeeked, snatching the magazine from the old woman's hands and desperately flipping through it.

"Yes, I believe it was the picture of the Arctic Fox that got him in it," Mrs. Ingasdottir confirmed. "Well, I suppose you could deliver it to him for me with my congratulations."

"Yes, Ma'am," Raz nodded. "Have a good morning. Goodbye, Tully."

The cat meowed as Raz made her way back to the car, sticking the groceries in the backseat and carefully placing the magazine up front with her. She got into the driver's seat and quickly took off out of town towards the little cabin she shared with Helfden.

Raz made it home and was quick to put the groceries away. After putting everything away she trudged down to the bathroom she shared with Helfden and began stripping out of her clothes. A hot shower would be enough to chase away the cold that settled in her bones everytime she stepped outside.

A look in the mirror made Raz pause. Everything had been done to alter her appearance. When she first arrived at the cabin she couldn't stand what looked back at her and, in a fit of hysteria, she took the kitchen scissors and sliced at her hair until Helfden caught her hands and forced her to stop. At least, she let him think it was him that stopped her. The truth was that she had gotten the urge to snap his arm the moment he laid hands on her and the thought of that scared her into compliance. She didn't want to do that to him.

Now she looked at the soft pixie cut she sported, the glasses that had absolutely no use perched on her nose. The darkness in her hair had been removed and she was remade a blonde. Anything she could reasonably change she did. Her body still held it's murderous abilities, but parts of her had softened and curved into womanly shapes she would have already had had it not been for Hydra's strick training.

Her hands traced over the curves of her hips, the tattoo on her left thigh depicting a magnolia. Another on her right forearm took the shape of a cornflower. One on her right shoulder was made to be a fairy lily, another on her right hip bone was amaryllis, the one on the inside of her left wrist was a zinnia, and the final one just above the meat of her right buttock was a sprig of lavender with the letter H above it.

The look of them all made her smile. Helfden had been fascinated by the language of flowers and had suggested using the symbolism of flowers to bring a sort of love to her own body. So she got the tattoos, one by one, each of them picked for their symbolism with the help of Helfden. The last one though, the Lavender that meant devotion, she had picked herself and gotten in secret, his initial above to show her thankfullness and loyalty to the man who had given her so much with nothing expected in return. It was a stark difference to what she had known all her life.

Snapping herself from these thoughts, Raz turned on the water, waiting for the temperature to get hot enough before stepping in. She washed with the tea tree shampoo, the charcoal facewash, and the chamomile body wash. All of it was picked to keep her body healthy and at ease.

She heard the front door open and close, but Raz still staggered in the warmth of the water spraying down on her. She wiggled her blue-painted toes and watched the swirls of soapy water go down the drain.

"Raz! Raziya!" Helfdens voice echoed through the cabin before feet stomped her way and there was a knock at the door. "Raziya, are you in there?"

"Yes, come in!" She called, poking her head out from the curtains when she heard the door open. "Was your adventure fruitful?"

The long, blonde locks of hair she loved so much were hidden under a warm hat. His blue eyes looked around the steam-filled room before falling on her. He came all the way into the bathroom and leaned against the sink.

"Unfortunately no," He huffed. Age lines showed on his face when he frowned. At forty years old, the sight of Helfden walking so closely with Raz sometimes drew disapproving face. With her body seemingly stuck in her mid-twenties, it did look rather scandalous, nevermind the fact that she was actually born in 1956, though that was information known only by herself, Helfden, and Hydra. "My pictures seemed rather dull today."

"I'll be the judge of that," She smiled at him before plunging back into the shower. "In the meantime, Mrs. Ingasdottir gave me a free edition of that European travel magazine you love so much. Flick through that and I'm sure you'll find a bit of happiness."

"Ah, but I find all my happiness here, with you, in this overheated bathroom," He remarked, laughing when Raz stuck her head out of the shower curtain to stick her tongue out at her. "Careful what you do with that tongue, girl."

"Funny," She glared at him before taking an arm out to gesture at the door, flicking water about in the process. "I'm serious, go read the magazine. I promise it's worth it. Now, I'll be out in a minute."

"As you wish," Helfden grunted before exiting the bathroom.

Raz remained for a minute or two longer before turning off the water and grabbing one of the clean towels from their rack. She wiped at her face first before vigorously rubbing the towel over her short hair. With the towel finally wrapped around her frame, she exited the bathroom, leaving the door open to filter out the steam.

"I can feel the heat all the way in here!" Helfden shouted from the living room, causing Raz to roll her eyes.

There was a spare room that Raz preferred to sleep in because of her chronic nightmares, but most of her things had made their way into Helfden's room when the dynamic in their relationship began to shift. So she found herself walking into his room and dropping the towel onto the floor. The curtains were open to let in the light, but with how remotely they lived, she didn't fear that someone might spy her naked. Besides, modesty wasn't a thing that existed in Hydra. Privacy had only been given to her when she had been found in that heap of snow all those years ago.

Raz rummaged through the drawers, pulling on her underwear and a pair of powder blue sweats. She grabbed a worn-out, grey sweater that she knew to be Helfden's and began her trek to the living room, pulling the sweater on as she went.

"Did you find it?" She asked, coming to stand next to Helfden who sat in a corner of the couch, magazine in hand. His blonde waves were loose now, brushing against his shoulders with the single braid that Raz weaved into it every morning still there, and he sat in a pair of grey sweats and a white t-shirt. The man looked up in time to see the sweater drop over her breasts and stomach to settle loosely at her thighs.

"Love," He looked up to her wide eyes. "One day, you will allow me to photograph you, and I will become famous for placing your gorgeous image in every beauty magazine that exists."

Raz snorted. "That will never happen."

"So you keep saying," Helfden smiled and then went back to the magazine. "What am I looking for, anyway?"

Raz snatched the magazine out of his hand and rounded the couch to sit next to him. "Useless," She muttered just loud enough for him to hear as she pressed into his side and pulled the blanket from the back of the couch to cover her legs. She flicked through the pages of the magazine until she found the picture in question, an arctic fox romping playfully in the snow, completely unaware of it's photo being taken. "Here."

Helfden took the magazine and stared at it, his mouth opening just a little. "This is my photograph."

"I figured you would be excited," Raz smiled for him. "I know that it's not National Geographic, but you told me yourself that this was one of the most popular travel magazines in Europe. I hope knowing that you got a place in it makes up for your sad flower pictures."

"Knowing that my work has gotten this far most definitely makes up for my sad flowers," Helfden smiled at the picture before turning to look at the young woman pressed to him. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me," Raz put her hands up in mock surrender. "It's all your work. Your talent. I just stumbled my way here."

"I know," He leaned over to her and pressed his lips to her's. They were chapped from his time spent outside and her hair was still damp when he placed his hand at the base of her neck, but it was lovely and it felt like home. "Still, I love you, Raziya."

Her breath caught in her throat the way it did everytime he told her that. Her mouth opened and she desperate wished to repeat the sentiments, but decades of repression and teachings to not give in to sentiments were hard to erase.

"I know," He gave her that same soft smile. "I know you can't say it, but one day you will. And until then, I already know how you feel. Now, food? Thoughts?"

_Russia, August 1971_

_"Please," Her voice was a mere croak, yet it echoed in the concrete room. "I can't-"_

_"You can stop it, twenty-three!" The Commander barked. "Give us the information it all ends."_

_"Protect Hydra," She repeated to herself. Aside from the small protests and cries of pain, that was all that she had been able to say for the last twelve hours. "Protect Hydra."_

_"Keep going!" The Commander turned to Him. The Winter Soldier. The Asset. Whatever the hell they wanted to call him. He stood before her, dead eyes staring back as he reached down and took hold of her index finger, snapping it like one snapped a twig. It didn't even register on his face, the way she pitched forward as much as she could while strapped naked to a chair, a guttural cry coming from somewhere deep inside her._

_The Commander leaned down to her, his rancid breath in her ear. "It hurts, doesn't it? I know it hurts. I can make it stop, twenty-three. Just tell us what we need to know and it stops. We'll get you some dry clothes, put you in with some doctors and get you a nice meal."_

_"Protect Hydra," She gasped._

_"Let's try something new," The Commander straightened. "String her up."_

_She wasn't sure how long it took them, but soon the Winter Soldier had her strung from the ceiling by her bound wrists. The Commnder walked over to the table of tools the Winter Soldier had been using to torture her and picked up a wooden cane._

_"Try this," He handed the cane off to the Soldier. "Last chance, twenty-three."_

_"Protect...Hydra," She managed. It was there there was a horrible crack and fire burned in the back of her legs. She screamed, oh, how she screamed, each time the cane struck her naked thighs. The pungent scent of blood permeated the room more and more with each strike. Her throat was raw and her screams echoed back._

_The Soldier came around to face her, bending down to grab one of her feet and raise it to her level. Green bore into blue as the pair locked eyes. He didn't flinch, nor did he hesitate to bring the cane down onto the sole of her foot. She gasped and gaped, writhing against the pain, thankful that he was using his flesh arm rather than the metal one. Three more strikes and she felt the bones in her foot crunch._

_Her head lolled and her eyes rolled to the back of her head, unable to make a sound at the pain. Words were exchanged, but she did not track them. Soon she was pulled from the ceiling and settled back in the chair. She looked up just in time to catch the Soldier's eyes once again as he strapped her down._

_He stood and walked over to where the Commander stood. The Commander himself looked rather pleased. "You've done rather well today, twenty-three. I can only hope you will continue to excell. We'll try again soon."_

_The Soldier and the Commander left, turning off the lights as they went. Twenty-three was plunged into darkness and the only thing left in her mind was the dead blue eyes of the Soldier._

**Norway, Present Day**

Raz woke up gasping, sweat soaking the sweater she wore and the sheets twisted around her legs. Pillows had fallen to the floor, likely from her thrashing and she felt the cold air rush into her lungs.

She tripped going over to the side of the bed, falling to the hardwood floor and scraping her fingers against it. With a huff, Raz gathered herself and staggered to her feet, shivers wracking her body as she left the room. Her fingers trailed along the wall as she made her way into Helfden's room.

"Helfden?" She croaked, her throat dry and her eyes wet.

The man in question grunted before sitting up, sleepily gazing over at the entrance to his bedroom. Upon taking in the sight of Raz, his gaze cleared and he stood from the bed, slowly approaching her. "What happened, love?"

"I had a dream," A sob escaped from her throat. Helfden quickly crossed the space between them and wrapped his arms around her, allowing her face to press against his neck.

"Come, love. Let's get to bed," Helfden half walked, half dragged her to his bed. He sat her down on the edge and wiped her short bangs from her forehead. "I'll be back in a minute."

She wanted to cry after him, but remained silent as he left the room. True to his word, Helfden was back as quick as a snap with a wet rag and a cup of water. "Here, drink this."

Raz followed his directions and drank the glass of water, setting it on the night stand. Helfden took the wet rag and wiped the sweat from her face, neck, and hairline. He shushed her quiet sobs and went to his drawers to pull out a fresh pair of boxers and a t-shirt. Returning to Raz, he helped her change into the fresh clothes, discarding the sweat-soaked ones.

"What did you dream of this time?" He asked, crawled into his side of the bed and opening his arms for her.

Raz buried her face in his bare chest and tangled her legs in his. "I...I saw him."

"The Soldier?" He asked after a moment's pause. She didn't speak, but simply nodded against his sternum. "He can't get you. You said it yourself, most of Hydra was destroyed. You're safe here. I promise."

"Hydra was destroyed, yes, but he's still out there," She pressed her palms against his chest and peered up at him, eyes rimmed red and cheeks streaked with tears.

"Out there, not in here. You're safe, Raziya. I swear it." Helfden tucked her head under his chin, The hand that wasn't pressed against the small of her back reached up to the nape of her neck where his fingers stroked at the numbers that had been burnt into her skin.

**23**

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it, let me know if you want the second chapter. I know Bucky wasn't in this chapter but I wanted to explore Raz's life in Norway and her happiness there.


End file.
